Forgiveness

June 9, 2026 (Vol. 20 No. 21) - It is only human to remember the folks who have treated us badly. Maybe it was that bully who tormented you in high school. Perhaps it is a neighbor or family member. Sometimes it is a current or former co-worker. You and almost everyone within your social circles knows someone or several someones who own a piece of real estate in the space between your ears.

That "piece of real estate" is what we know as a grudge, an unwillingness to forgive those we perceive to have done us wrong. This is not to be confused with what my wife calls "sports grudges," wounds created on the artificial battlefields of athletic contests. (For example, I may never get over the New York Jets beating the Baltimore Colts in 1969's Super Bowl III.) No, grudges are more real, more personal and more emotional. They are scars we carry that through our own actions that we have not allowed to heal. Clearly, the grudges we hold are a form of self-defense against the real hurt we may have experienced. However, in a sense, they are also a form of self-loathing we hold for having placed ourselves into the sad scenario that burns our memories.

At its heart, one's unwillingness to forgive others comes down to an ethical dilemma. When I taught a journalism ethics course at the University of Kansas, I told my students that ethics are our values in action. They are not something we have, but something we do. In a sense, it is an adherence to our basic sense of right and wrong. That's where the dilemma comes into play. Deciding to forgive someone comes down to the competing values of our personal sense of justice versus our self-image of compassion and empathy. It can be hard to walk a mile in someone else's shoes after they used those same shoes to walk over you.

In Christian theology, forgiveness is a moral imperative and the failure to forgive may be described as a venial sin, one that weaken one's relationship to God. "Judge not and you will not be judged; condemn not and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven." (Luke 6:37) If one chooses a more secular perspective, forgiveness removes a personal burden that often weighs more heavily on the abused than the offender. Former South African President Nelson Mandela, who spent 27 years as a political prisoner, wrote in his autobiography, "As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison."

We have a sense of what forgiveness is. But there are many things it is not. Forgiving someone for doing something wrong does not mean you are condoning it. Nor does it mean that you are required to forget it or to trust the offender. There may be consequences that the offender may have to pay. But forgiveness allows the offended party to move on and begin a healing process that restores one's emotional control. "It's not an easy journey to get to a place where you forgive people," actor, writer and producer Tyler Perry told a British newspaper in 2010, "But it is such a powerful place because it frees you."

As I write this, I am well aware that I must practice what I preach. I know that will not be an easy task. For example, asking me to forgive the current President of the United States for the damage he has done to the social, economic, political and moral fabric of this nation is a pretty big ask. I suspect that will be easier when he finally - and mercifully - exits the stage. I may fail. But I should try. As I moved into retirement, it has been easier for me to forgive those within my own orbit whom I have come in conflict through the years. But part and parcel to that, I must also be willing to ask for their forgiveness of me. More than that, there are times that we have to forgive ourselves. For me, that's the hardest ask of all.

At the risk of sounding Pollyanna, we could use a lot more forgiveness and a lot less recrimination in our troubled world. We need to return to a time - one that wasn't really that long ago - when the idea of reaching consensus was a noble goal, and not as many today would see it as some sort of capitulation. That healing process begins with forgiveness of others - and ourselves. That's it for now. Fear the Turtle.