I'll be your Speaker
22/10/23 08:00
October 22, 2023 (Vol. 17 No. 44) - I am announcing my candidacy to be the next Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. As it has been noted so many times - especially by those fools who fantasize about Donald Trump being Speaker - one doesn't necessarily have to be a member of the House to be Speaker. Granted, it's a dumb rule. But it is no dumber than allowing an alleged child sex trafficker lock down the House for the better part of a month. And I am uniquely qualified for the job. First and foremost, I am an adult. No other candidate for this post can honestly make this claim. Sure, they have all reached the age of majority. But really, have to seen the way they've be acting? My five- and three-year-old granddaughters behave better than these blunderkiden do. Representatives who act up would be sent to "time out." I would also require them to take mid-afternoon naps. (They obviously need them.) Second, I know what being a true Republican is. Yes, I am currently registered as a Democrat. But I was a Republican for most of my adult life and even worked for a Republican governor before the Grand Old Party morphed into the obscene nationalistic radical right cluster bomb it is today. Real Republicans stand for individual freedoms, including one's right to choose whether or not to have an abortion and one's right to come to America in search of liberty. Somewhere along the way, these Neo-con bootlickers forgot that. I also know how to herd cats: You don't even try to do it. Support those who are willing to follow you and ignore the rest. And, oh by the way, that includes the cats who happen to be sitting on the other side of the aisle. The Speaker of the House is supposed to be the leader of the entire House, not just those on the left side or the right side of the room. My final reason for being elected Speaker is that I've got nothing better to do. I'm retired. I am not running for elected office (other than this one) and have made no promises and taken no campaign contributions. (However, if you are inclined to contribute big bucks to my campaign, I'd appreciate it. After all, I just had to replace my washer and dryer. And Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!) I've said this before: America is a much better place now that we have an adult in the White House. Elect me as the next Speaker and the same will be said for the House. That's it for now. Fear the Turtle.